After 12 hard hours of labor, our son, Oliver James Justiz Roush was born into the water in our home at 10:32pm on 6/24/2014. He was welcomed by myself and my doula, midwife and incredible Husband.
I wanted to share the all the details of my birth story with you, the ups and downs; the fears and triumphs. But after finishing it, just short of three typed pages filled with details that only I will find interesting when I reflect one day, long after the memories have faded into the day-in-and-out of raising a little man; I'll give you just the bullet points...
Did it hurt? Yup.
Did I beg for someone/anyone to make it stop? Yes.
Did I sing, scream, ohm, and pretend to be a bear to get through the contractions? You bet.
Did I think I could do it? Nope! Even in the very last moments I doubted my ability to birth my son, and announced this to everyone in the room.
But did I do it? Yes!
At one point I pleaded with the Goddesses; I made an incantation to every woman who ever gave birth in the entire history of the universe... PLEASE HELP ME! Only to be struck with the most intense contraction that I had had... Not so much what I had in mind at the time, but being on the other side, I now understand that it was indeed the only respectable response. You want our help, we will help you get this baby out. It's what I would wish on any laboring women, productive strong contractions.
The instant I met my son for the first time was the most incredible moment of my life. After one final contraction, my midwife calmly told me to reach down and grab my baby. I did, we locked eyes, and I saw him... I really saw him. The little being that I had been carrying around, experiencing the strangeness and joy of pregnancy with; that I had just labored with. And there he was, wide-eyed and remarkably calm, looking right back at me.
I instinctively pulled him close to my chest, and I knew beyond knowing that I was forever changed. I love him in a way that is so completely different from how I have ever loved before: a heart-breaking love.
I heard a small inner voice say, Yes it is heartbreaking, just let it break your heart right open.